


Who I Used To Be

by AntOne7324



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, Batman: The Killing Joke (2016), Batman: The Killing Joke (Comics)
Genre: Ace Chemicals, Character Death, Drama, F/M, Flashbacks, Gotham City - Freeform, Joker's Humanity, Pregnancy, Repressed Memories, Short Story, Visions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-20 13:40:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16138397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AntOne7324/pseuds/AntOne7324
Summary: It's the twentieth anniversary of The Joker's arrival in Gotham City and establishing himself as the Clown Prince of Crime. Instead of planning a big celebration involving more deaths of Gotham's citizens, the Joker is instead plagued by the past and his deceased wife, Jeannie Napier





	1. A Voice From The Past

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize if The Joker appears out of character in this story but this is something I've been wanting to do for a long time. Plus it's my own interpretations of the character regarding his humanity and believing the effect Jeannie had on him. Hopefully, with Joker's upcoming origin movie, they will include her in it 
> 
> Anyway enjoy

It is a rainy Friday night for the people of Gotham City, as they brace themselves for another horrifying reign of chaotic torture from the city's most notorious criminal, The Joker, who broke out of Arkham Asylum three days ago for the one billionth time

Batman is trying is hardest to find the clown prince of crime, but unfortunately for the Dark Knight, his archrival doesn't want to be found just yet. Especially when today of all days is something that holds near and dear to the Joker's black heart

Today is the twentieth anniversary of The Joker's arrival in Gotham City, killing thousands and thousands of people in the clown's wake. Plus it was also the day where, The Joker, had fallen into a vat of chemicals in the Ace Chemicals factory after an attempted robbery of the card store next door went horribly wrong

But there is something else, something that causes the Joker to become emotional, lash and kill more so than usual, including his own men for looking at him the wrong way or saying something very foolish to him

" Are you sure boss? What if the Bat spots us?" a bald named Rocco asked as he drove The Joker inside a black van

Another man named Brock sat in the passenger seat looking out his window at the buildings they were passing by

The Joker said nothing as he glared in the rearview mirror for Rocco to see while sitting in the back of the van

" Ok boss, I'm sorry. I'm sorry" Rocco said as he kept his eyes on the road and leading his boss into the city's poorest area

The Narrows. It's a section of the city where the residents not only live in poor conditions but have to fend off criminals every single day. Whether it was rape, getting mugged or robbed, the citizens had to constantly watch their backs and lock their doors

There have been many times where multiple reports have been made to the police, but due to how corrupted the city has become, there are a lot of cops that don't give a damn about those that have been affected by crime

Not unless the price is right. You'd have to be extremely lucky to live in the Narrows and have nothing bad happen to you

However, there's one thing that neither Rocco or Brock could understand. And that is why The Joker has requested to be led into The Narrows?

Usually, their base of operations is in the industrial sector of Gotham. So why on Earth are they going into the worst area of the city? Is the Joker meeting up with someone to kill Batman?

It didn't make sense for them to be there unless it was to evade Gordon and his men or Batman himself

While the Joker waited patiently to arrive at his destination, he is plagued by memories of his former life before his accident and the life he once had. The life of trying to live his dream of being a professional comedian and making people laugh

Jack Napier. That was Joker's birth name and usually, he would have no trouble forgetting his past and convincing himself he had multiple pasts which made it impossible for him to remember. It was always on this particular day that forced the Joker to remember who he was and the life he once had

No matter how many times Joker tried to push his memories back to dark recesses of his twisted mind on the day of his anniversary, Joker would always fail

He now hears a familiar voice he hasn't heard in a long time. A voice that used to quell his fears, anxiety, and stress in his former life. A voice that always reassured him that everything will be ok

" Jack"

The Joker jerked back in his seat and turned his head towards the left where he could see the broken run down apartments and stores passing by as Rocco lead him further and further into The Narrows

" Jack, I love you. I love you so much and no matter what happens, we will always be together. Always"

Without realizing it, The Joker's voice changed into a soft tone, almost unrecognizable to his minions sitting in front

" You promise?"

A vision of a woman with long blonde hair, blue eyes, and a smile that lights up the room appeared in Joker's mirror

" I promise. Nothing will ever keep us apart. My family couldn't and neither could my friends. They see you as a deadbeat creep, but I know better. There's more to you than what you're letting on. Your nice, kind, loving and funny. Gosh, you could make laugh for hours on end" The blonde woman smiled warmly

The Joker sees the vision of the woman slowly fading from his memory

" Jeannie.......Jeannie.....JEANNIE"

Brock and Rocco looked at their boss and then at each other oddly. None of them have ever seen the Joker act this way before, it was like seeing Joker's body but with someone else occupying it

The Joker's expression of sorrow turned into anger " ARE WE THERE YET?" lashing out at his driver

Rocco turned the van down the next street and parked outside an old decaying ten-story apartment block

" We're here boss"

The Joker nodded in satisfaction " Good" he brings out a vintage knife, leans forward to Brock and slices his neck and jugular

Brock dies slowly as he chokes on his blood, while Rocco looks on in horror for what Joker has done to his friend. Rocco shouldn't be surprised at how unpredictable his boss can be since he always believed Brock and himself where Joker's favorite minions who would never be murdered

Obviously, that wasn't the case on this night

The Joker burst out into his classic maniacal laughter at Brock's suffering " Choke on that ol' Brocky" he turned to Rocco and grinned at him " Keep the motor running"

Rocco nodded frantically

The Joker hops out of the van and makes his way towards the apartment block, he enters the building and walked up a flight of stairs to the sixth floor. He walks down to the end of the corridor to door number fifty-seven with police tape marked "crime scene" taped in a shape of an x on it

It didn't surprise the Joker, that the police tape had still been plastered over the door, no one really cares about the people who live in the Narrows or the crimes that go on

So why should this apartment block be any different? Still, though it didn't stop the clown prince of crime being plagued by memories of the past as he approached door number fifty-seven

The corridors themselves had fist-sized holes, broken tables, boarded-up doors and wallpaper being torn off

" Bah" The Joker rips the police tape, opened the door and stepped inside into his old home


	2. Jeannie

After entering his old apartment, The Joker spins around to see broken pieces of furniture, charred walls were he can see the interior design of the apartment, ashes scattered across the floor, charred wallpaper and glassless mirrors

To think this used to be a home he had once shared with his beloved wife. The Joker slowly wandered around the apartment

God! How he hated this place when it used to be functional. The Joker never saw himself of Jeannie living in a dump, but due to how hard it was to be able to have a job that paid more than the minimum wage in Gotham, it was impossible for them to live anywhere else but in the Narrows

Plus with a baby on the way, The Joker didn't want to raise his child in an area where crime is running rampant with no protection from the police. He hated himself for not being a better husband to Jeannie, he hated not being able to properly provide for his family and most importantly he hated himself 

The Joker recalls a conversation he had with Jeannie after learning she was pregnant with his child

 

*Flashback*

" I failed you. I failed us" Jack Napier said defeatedly

Before his colorful appearance as a clown and wearing a purple suit, Joker was your average joe. He stood at 5 Ft 10, his body slender is build, with long curly black hair and a cheap business suit. Brown blazer jacket with a white collared shirt, black tie, and dark brown pants

Jeannie shook her head " No you haven't. You're doing everything you can to provide for us. That's more than what some husbands do when they learn they are about to be a father"

She wears a light red top with a brown jacket, light blue jeans, and black boots

Jack walked over to a window in the living room and gazes at an alleyway in the street where two thugs were busy beating the hell of out an old man

He dropped his head to the floor " You should leave me, Jeannie. I'm not good for you. Never have been and never will be. Our child deserves so much better than what I'm trying to provide for. Our child deserves to grow up in a safe neighbourhood, go to a good school, have friends over and most importantly...." Jack paused for a moment 

Jeannie met Jack's sorrow look 

" Our child deserves a better father"

Jeannie walked over to her husband, wrapped her arms around him and gently lowered her head onto Jack's shoulder " Our child deserves you as a father" she corrected him "You're funny, your warm, kind, loving and considerate. I love you, Jack and our child will love you too"

" You think so?" Jack turned to face Jeannie

Jeannie smiled at him " I don't think. I know. It's not your fault that we have to live in the Narrows, it's this city....it's life. Things are bad now, but trust me things will get better. You'll get a better job and we will be able to leave this godforsaken city" she said reassuringly

Jack chuckled lightly " Look at this. I'm the one that is supposed to be strong and reassuring, especially with our child on the way. Yet I'm a blubbering mess and your the one taking care of me"

"You're a great guy and you will be an amazing father. I love you for who you are Jack, I've seen the real you underneath those thoughts of self-doubt and lack of confidence" Jeannie   
replied

Jack lowered his face in shame 

" Hey!" Jeannie uses her right hand to gently lift up her husband's head so he can make eye contact with her again

Jack locked eyes with Jeannie

" It's not your fault, I know that. It's your father that made you this way throughout our years in high school. You're a good person, Jack and you are worthy. We are going to have an amazing life together with our child" Jeannie said as she grabbed Jack's hand and placed it on her stomach 

Jack's eyes drifted down to Jeannie's stomach to where their child will soon be growing inside of it. He now felt as if new life breathed into him in terms of wanting to provide a better life for his family 

He wants the best life possible for his child and will do whatever it takes to get himself and Jeannie out of the Narrows before Jeannie gives birth 

Jeannie smiled at her husband " Things will get better. I promise you. We just have to keep pushing on, because if we give up now. Then we will be stuck here for the rest of our lives and I don't want that as much as you do"

" You're right" Jack smiled at Jeannie " We have to keep fighting. The darkest hour is just before the dawn. I love you. I love you so much, baby" wrapping his arms around Jeannie's waist 

Jeannie embraced Jack by wrapping her arms around him " I love you more. Now how about a kiss from the most handsome man in the entire world

Jack and Jeannie leaned in and kissed each other softly on the lips 

*Flashback ends*

 

Jeannie Napier was not only the love of Joker's life but a bright shining light in the darkness that kept him whole, that kept him balanced in day to day life. Which is why the death of her and their unborn child was the catalyst into the creation of Gotham's most notorious criminal mastermind

Losing Jeannie was losing Joker's soul in the clown's mind 

The Joker leaned by a wall that was left half intact with only the top part destroyed, he then slumps to the floor and fights back the urge to cry 

He felt guilty for not being there for Jeannie when she died in a household accident involving a baby bottle heater that ended up starting a fire to their apartment. That and also turning into a monster whom Jeannie would not approve of and would be horrified by his actions

A single tear now escaped Joker's eyelid and ran down his white cheek

The Joker wiped his tear away with the back of his white glove on his left hand and sniffed "God" he smiles and laughed his head off at the thought of him actually crying about something that shouldn't mean anything to him anymore

Why did he do this? If this hurt him so much and he wanted to forget her, especially on the day of his anniversary every single year. Why would Joker go to all this trouble to return to his old home and remember Jeannie?

It's simple! The Joker wanted to feel human again and for once not be a homicidal maniac that Batman and the citizens of Gotham have come to know him

The Joker stands up, wipes the dust and ashes off from his clothes and began making his way towards the front door. As he did, he spots a photo of him and Jeannie that had been miraculously left untouched in the fire 

He picks up the photo and his face dropped when looking at Jeannie

" Jeannie!"

In his mind, the Joker now finds himself being transported in a beautiful home with photos of himself, Jeannie and their baby that had been born. Not only that but the home itself looked very clean and posh, nothing compared to the dingy apartment they lived in back at the Narrows 

He turns around to see a version of himself before the accident sitting with Jeannie on the couch holding their son who they named him Jack 

They looked so happy together and free from crime and corruption in Gotham 

" No...no NO!"

Jack and Jeannie looked at Joker

The Joker snaps out of his thoughts, throws the photo back down onto the ground and storms out of the apartment block. He's angry that Jeannie and their child was taken away from him and sad at the same time because by remembering his past, he starts to feel remorse for all the crimes he's committed

Rocco sees The Joker storming over to the van " Everything ok boss?"

Without warning, The Joker pulls out his gun and fires six shots into Rocco's chest which also shattered the front window of the van. The clown then walks over to Rocco's side of the van, opened the door and threw him onto the road

The Joker hops into the driver's seat and turned to Brock's lifeless body " So much for not celebrating my legacy aye Brocky?" he then bursts into a roar of laughter while driving the van away from the apartment block


	3. The Man Who Cries

Ace Chemicals 

The Joker's birthplace

The chemical factory hasn't changed since Joker had started working there as a chemical engineer before he decided to quit and pursue a career in being a comedian. It was a risky move on the clown's part because he would risk his and Jeannie's livelihood to live out his dream and make people laugh

Plus depending on how well his performance was and the audience's reaction, you'd either get paid really well or you get paid lower than the minimum wage in Gotham's local comedy club. So why did the Joker do this? Knowing he could risk losing everything 

Simple! The Joker wasn't getting paid the full amount as stated in his contract as a chemical engineer at Ace Chemicals, When he tried to bring it up with his boss, Joker was denied a pay raise or to be paid more than the minimum wage, which made him feel very unappreciated and caused more stress when he was constantly behind on paying rent

At first, Joker had doubts about becoming a comedian but with support and encouragement from Jeannie, he decided to take the first step into living his dream. But on the Joker's first night, things didn't turn out the way he wanted it too, as he got stage fright and lost his concentration, which pretty much ended his career right there and then 

Desperate to get his wife and their child out of the Narrows and Gotham, the Joker turned to two mob members named Silvio and Vito. Angered by his former boss, Joker had convinced these thugs to not only rob the card store next to the chemical factory but to also steal all the money locked away in a safe at Ace Chemicals as well

Over the next week, they planned the robbery and when they finally settled on a date. The Joker learned that Jeannie and his unborn child had died in a household accident, he tried to back out of the robbery stating that he only did this for his family. But his life was soon threatened if he didn't go along and dress up as the infamous Red Hood

In the end, the Joker reluctantly agreed to go along with Silvio and Vito to rob both places 

As he parked outside the factory, the Joker sighed as he hopped out of the van. He hasn't been back here since the day of his accident from falling into a vat of chemicals, which permanently altered his skin color to pale white and dark green hair

" Home sweet home"

It was also the day where Jack Napier had died and the first time Joker met Batman, who had just begun fighting crime as a vigilante and the people of Gotham couldn't decide if the Dark Knight was friend or foe to them 

As the Joker made his way inside of the factory, killing security guards that dared to cross his path, his thoughts drift to that fateful night of the robbery, meeting Batman and transforming into the clown prince of crime 

 

*Flashback*

Jack Napier stood in front of the barbed wire fence outside the Ace Chemicals factory. It hasn't been a full day since Jeannie's passing and already he's missing her terribly. He's wracked with guilt for not being there to save Jeannie since he was at a meeting with Silvio and Vito to plan the robbery at a local bar 

Now that he's alone in this cruel world, Jack now contemplated in running away and allowing himself to get shot by these thugs he's working with. There's no point in living when two of the most important people in Jack's life aren't around with him 

Jack wears a dark blazer, white shirt with a black bowtie, black pants, and black boots. Silvo and Vito wore suits similar to Jack but didn't wear bowties and both wore dark hats

While Silvio was busy using wire cutters to snap a human-sized hole in the fence, so they could all fit in and sneak in through the back door of the factory. Vito brings a suitcase over to Jack containing the Red Hood's mask and cape 

" Hey. Quit your daydreaming friend. It's Showtime" Vito said in a strong Italian accent

Jack sighed as he turned to Vito " I was just remembering...... I used to walk along here to work every day" he said sadly 

" Oh, that's good. Real good. That's just what we need you to do" Vito replied as he opened the briefcase and brings out the mask and a red cape " Just guide us through this stinking factory and the store next door and let me and Sil do all the work. It's like practically giving you free money by cutting you in on this"

Jack puts on the red cape and then glances at the red mask in Vito's hands " Right now? Will I be able to breathe?" feeling uncomfortable about putting it on

" Not if you smoke" Vito replied as he placed the mask on Jack's head

" We're in" Silvio announced as he threw the wire cutters down to the ground and slipped through the hole

Vito smiled at Jack " Ok, friend. You're up. Lead the way"

After Jack and Vito slipped through the human-sized hole, the trio entered the factory through the back door. As Jack lead Vito and Silvio past the fluid tanks and telling them where the doors were to the card store and the office for this factory, a bright light shines above on a catwalk by a security guard

" FREEZE!" The guard commanded

Silvio quickly fired his gun at the guard but missed hitting him, while he and his partners ran for cover behind the tanks

The guard continued firing shots at the robbers while addressing his partner through a walkie-talkie connected to his jacket 

" Murph, call for backup. We're being robbed by the Red Hood mob"

Vito glared at Jack " You asshole. You said there was no security in this joint" he is furious that this worthless piece of trash has lied to him and his partner

" They must have upgraded by the time I left" Jack replied while hiding behind the second tank down from Vito and Silvio 

Silvio kept firing shots back at the guard to fend him off " We have to get out of here before the cops show up"

Without a moment too soon, the robbers ran past a few more tanks and up a few stairs leading to another area of the catwalk with Silvio firing more shots to keep the guards at bay

Due to running away from almost being hit from one of the guard's bullets and the amount of fear building inside of him, Jack could no longer see his vision in the mask clearly

" Where do we go?" Vito asked Jack 

Jack ignored Vito "I can't see.....I can't see"

"I've had enough of your whining" Vito raised his gun at Jack but before he could fire a sho,t a bullet hit the side of his head causing him to collapse

Outnumbered by the backup guards, Silvio tries to save his own skin by blaming this whole robbery on Jack " He's the one you wanted. He's the one. Not me. Me and my partner were forced into going along with his plan. He's crazy I tell you. Insane. He said if we didn't go along, he was going to kill our families"

As two guards approached Silvio and Jack, one of them notices Silvio holding a gun in his hand 

" Drop the gun"

Silvio raises the gun at the guards but was stopped dead in his tracks with a bullet shot into his head

Clearly frightened after witnessing Silvio and Vito's deaths along with what will happen to him, Jack Napier runs up to the second catwalk

" Jeannie. Jeannie, I miss you so much. Please come back to me" Jack thought as he ran like his life depended on it

The guards began firing in Jack's direction until they heard are a loud voice that commanded their attention 

" STOP!!!"

The guards turned around to see Batman standing before them 

" No more shooting. I'll take it from here" Batman announced as he quickly made a jump up to the third catwalk 

It didn't take long for Batman to catch up to a frightened Jack and corner him by the third stairwell, believing it was the same Red Hood who had committed other robberies all over Gotham. Batman now slowly approaches Jack 

" We meet again, Red Hood"

Due to his blur vision inside the mask, all Jack could see is a demonic creature coming towards him " Stay away from me. Don't come any closer" Jack pleaded 

As Batman came closer and closer and not realizing that his cape was underneath his boot, not only did Jack take another step back but it caused him to slip over the railing and fall into a vat of chemicals down below

Several minutes later after being flushed out threw pipe leading outside to a river, he takes off the mask and sees his reflection in the water and began laughing at himself. Due to losing Jeannie, their baby, seeing Vito and Silvio getting killed and falling into a vat, Jack Napier was no more and in his place was The Joker 

*Flashback ends*

 

The Joker now finds himself standing on the exact same rail in which he fell from twenty years ago " That feels like a lifetime ago. Jack Napier, a good man falling to his death and being reborn as a mass murdering clown"

He now thinks about his rivalry with Batman and all the chaos and murder he has left in his wake since his transformation which causes him to slowly smile and burst into a roar of laughter

But that laughter soon turns into to crying, as he remembers Jeannie and the life they could have had together if Jeannie didn't die in that accident and raising their child in a different city. Everyone sees the Joker as a heartless monster who values no one's life, not even his own and only cares about creating chaos 

While that is true, no one knows that the Joker used to be a normal human being. He had a job. He had a loving and supporting wife that was always there to pick him up when he was down and a baby on the way

It seemed unfair that life had cruelly robbed him of his family and turning him into the Joker. He should be somewhere other than Gotham with Jeannie and their child right beside him. Not this psychotic clown that is obsessed with Batman and creating chaos

The Joker allowed himself to feel all these mixed emotions of guilt, remorse, and depression for losing the only people in his life that truly mattered to him. He collapses to the ground and cries uncontrollably. What's even sadder is that Joker truly believes he is beyond saving at this point and the thought of redemption is out of the question 

While he continued to cry his eyes out, Batman, who had been trailing his enemy from the Narrows all the way to Ace Chemicals watched Joker crying from the rooftop window. Batman is shocked because he has never see Joker shed a tear before but is also intrigued by this development


End file.
